The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

**Giggles**
22:47 Oct 22 2014
Times Read: 574

Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide she will become a hooker.



She's not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, "Stand in front of That Bar and pick up a guy.

Tell him a hundred bucks. If you've got a Question, I'll be parked around the corner."



She's not there five minutes when a guy pulls up and says, "How much?



She says, "A hundred dollars."



He says "Shit. All I've got is thirty."



She says, "Hold on."



She runs back to Harry and says, "What can he get for thirty dollars?"



Harry says, "A hand job".



She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollars is a Hand Job.

He says okay, she gets in the car; he unzips his pants, and out pops a simply HUGE male unit.



She stares at it for a minute, and then says, "I'll be right back."



She runs back around the corner and says breathlessly,



"Harry, can you lend this guy seventy bucks?"

**Giggles**
22:37 Oct 22 2014
Times Read: 575

A farmer had 5 female pigs.



Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair and sell them.



At the fair, he met another farmer who owned five male pigs.



After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50.



The farmers lived sixty miles apart, so they agreed to drive thirty miles each and find a field in which to let the pigs mate.



The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 A.M., loaded the pigs into the family station wagon, (which was the only vehicle he had) and drove the thirty miles.



While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, "How will I know if they are pregnant?"



The other farmer replied, "If they're lying in the grass tomorrow morning, they're pregnant. If they're in the mud, they're not."



The next morning the pigs were rolling in the mud, so he hosed them off, loaded them into the family station wagon again and proceeded to try again.



This continued each morning for more than a week and both farmers were worn out.



The next morning he was too tired to get out of bed.

He called to his wife, "Honey, please look outside and tell me whether the pigs are in the mud or in the grass."



"Neither," yelled his wife, "they're in the station wagon and one of them is honking the horn."

**Giggles**
00:37 Oct 17 2014
Times Read: 583




A farmer had 5 female pigs.



Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair and sell them.



At the fair, he met another farmer who owned five male pigs.



After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50.



The farmers lived sixty miles apart, so they agreed to drive thirty miles each and find a field in which to let the pigs mate.



The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 A.M., loaded the pigs into the family station wagon, (which was the only vehicle he had) and drove the thirty miles.



While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, "How will I know if they are pregnant?"



The other farmer replied, "If they're lying in the grass tomorrow morning, they're pregnant. If they're in the mud, they're not."



The next morning the pigs were rolling in the mud, so he hosed them off, loaded them into the family station wagon again and proceeded to try again.



This continued each morning for more than a week and both farmers were worn out.



The next morning he was too tired to get out of bed.

He called to his wife, "Honey, please look outside and tell me whether the pigs are in the mud or in the grass."



"Neither," yelled his wife, "they're in the station wagon and one of them is honking the horn."

**Giggles**
23:37 Oct 16 2014
Times Read: 586




Stay with this one. It is good (makes sense)



It's a slow day in the small town of Pumphandle and the streets are deserted.

Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody is living on credit.



A tourist visiting the area drives through town, stops at the motel, and lays a $100 bill on the desk saying he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs to pick one for the night.



As soon as he walks upstairs, the motel owner grabs the bill and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.

(Stay with this..... And pay attention)



The butcher takes the $100 and runs down the street to retire his debt to the pig farmer.



The pig farmer takes the $100 and heads off to pay his bill to his supplier, the Co-op.



The guy at the Co-op takes the $100 and runs to pay his debt to the local prostitute, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer her "services" on credit.



The hooker rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill with the hotel Owner.



The hotel proprietor then places the $100 back on the counter so the traveller will not suspect anything at that moment the traveller comes down the stairs, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, picks up the $100 bill and leaves.



No one produced anything. No one earned anything.



However, the whole town now thinks that they are out of debt and there is a false atmosphere of optimism and glee.



And that, my friends, is how a "government stimulus package" works!

**Giggles**
23:16 Oct 11 2014
Times Read: 599

Four chaps have been going to the same golfing trip to St Andrews for many years...



Two days before the group is to leave, Jack's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.



Jack's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.



Two days later, the three get to St Andrews only to find Jack sitting at the bar with four drinks set up!



"Wow, Jack, how long you been here, and how did you talk your missus into letting you go?"



"Well, I've been here since last night. You see...



Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my living room chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and asked, 'Guess who?"



I pulled her hands off, and there she was, wearing a nightie.



She took my hand and pulled me into our bedroom.



The room had candles and rose petals all over.



Well she's been reading 50 Shades of Grey......



On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes!



She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did.



And then she said, "Do whatever you want."

"So, here I am!"

**Giggles**
23:12 Oct 11 2014
Times Read: 600

Two couples were playing poker one evening.



Jim accidentally dropped some cards on the floor.

When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bob's wife, Sue wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress!

Shocked by this, Jim upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.



Later, Jim went to the kitchen to get some refreshments.

Bob's wife followed and asked, 'Did you see anything that you like under there?'

Surprised by her boldness, Jim admitted that, well indeed he did.



She said, Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500.

After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, Jim confirms that he is interested.



Sue told him that since her husband Bob worked Friday afternoons and Jim didn't, Jim should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon.



When Friday rolled around, Jim showed up at Bob's house at 2 pm sharp - and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 - they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed.

Jim quickly dressed and left.



As usual, Bob came home from work at 6 p.m.

And upon arriving, asked his wife: 'Did Jim come by the house this afternoon?'



With a lump in her throat Sue answered 'Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon.'



Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, ‘And did he give you $500?'



Sue, using her best poker face, replied, 'Well, yes, In fact he did give me $500.'



Bob, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, 'He came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me.

He promised he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back.'



Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player.